This Ain’t Your Mama’s Pinto (Beans)

My last post seemed a little unfocused rushed ADHD-ish?

Today, I’m going to slow things down a bit.  With beer.  Unfortunately the only type of beer I had was crap beer.  I shudder to even say the name, but you know the kind.  It’s what they sell in college towns.  In bulk.  To unsuspecting individuals that eat ramen noodles.  Out of the package.  Uncooked.

I say this out of personal experience.  I was THAT person.  Life was fun.  And then I discovered the rest of the world.

The following recipe was adapted from here, in order to add a little vegan compliance to an otherwise “Looks Like It Would Be Really Yummy If I Ate Bacon” recipe.

Side Note: This feeds an enormous amount of people – around 50.  If you’re cooking for two and have trouble modifying quantities, think: small portions-freezer bags-and Freeze.

Pintos.  Like ford.  But faster.
Pintos. Like ford. But faster.

Frijoles Borrachos

1 large sweet onion, chopped
6 fresh garlic cloves, minced (if you can smash it into a paste, that’s even better)
2 cans (14.5 oz each) roasted tomatoes (preferably without salt AND organic)
1 jalapeno pepper, seeds removed and finely minced (for mild beans.  For heat-induced coma, add a few more.)
6 cups dried pinto beans (roughly 2 and 1/2 lbs.)
3 teaspoons liquid smoke
4 Tablespoons maple syrup
2 cans beer (I used a lager.  Use a stout or porter if you want a deeper taste – if that makes sense.  If apricot beer exists, it would kick some serious booty in this recipe.)
1 and 1/2 teaspoon salt (or more, to taste)
olive oil, for coating pan
1 bunch cilantro, chopped

Directions: In a L.A.R.G.E pan (think: multicooker or crockpot) saute onion and garlic in about a tablespoon of olive oil (or a 1/2 cup of water for a fat free version) for a few minutes until onion is translucent.  Add tomatoes, pepper, beans, and liquid smoke to pan.  Add enough water to “pot” to cover ingredients by 2 inches.  Cook.  Cook.  Cook away for 6 to 8 hours.  Seriously.  The beans should be what my dad refers to as “dead,” in cooking terms.  Soft; even somewhat mushy.  That’s good.  If they aren’t at this point, then cook longer.  Did I mention that this should not be made for Tonight’s Dinner?  Get take out.

Add beer, salt, and cilantro.  Stir.  Cook 1 hour longer.

Now, if you want this recipe to be awesome, allow it to cool.  Then, refrigerate overnight.  THEN reheat and serve.  If you don’t want it to be awesome – eat now.  You’ve made it.  You might as well enjoy it.  Around 50 times.

Bon appetit!


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